Never take directions from a Dimwit
by VanG Ziggy ZA
Summary: Lost and depirate, the heros need directions to the fire caves, but can they trust an idoit mapmaker?


YES WE HAVE NO MANA, WE HAVE NO MANA TODAY.

By

Vanguard Ziggy

Author's notes: This is my first Final Fantasy One story. While I admit there is not much a story in the game, it is still fun none the less. I wanted to try and write at least one story based on the game. Hope that you enjoy it. Please note, that this is purely comedic story, so no drama here.

Adam walked through the town of Melmond, glaring at the dead earth, the corrupted fields of wheat. All around him were signs of death and despair. Even the skies seemed gray and lined with an ancient sense of sadness.

Adam looked down at the orange diamond handing from around his neck and frowned. It seemed to glow bright as he walked around the town. He knew its alter lay somewhere around the town, perhaps somewhere around the outside area. It was then the fighter realized that his was the crystal of earth. As he and his companions continued walking the dried up town, they heard of the stories of a deadly vampire that was sucking the life out of the land, and was located somewhere inside the earth cave, which was deep south the town, past the poison swamps.

He looked for his companions, his bother James, who was a monk preferred to work on his meditation and martial arts. Then there was his sister-in-law, Hyne his brother's wife, who served as their healer and practiced white magic. She was new at her game, but still she made a fine white mage. The fourth member of their group, the other two considered kind of an outsider. Kira was beautiful, young, bold, and serious. She was also one of the few black mages who were female. While he considered her an outsider, James liked teasing his brother about his growing interest in the young woman.

Adam shook off his feelings and sighed, there was no time for such things as love, not when the world was in danger. Kira was cute, but for now she was much more useful as an ally than as a love interest. He looked around and caught sight of them near an old building with both the white and black symbols of magic. He sighed, if the rumors were true, the vampire was going to be tough, and they'd need to bulk up on magic. Perhaps even a stronger holy magic.

He walked over to James who was waving him over and nodded. "Found anything?"

"We've confirmed what most people of the town have said, that there's a vampire that's sucking the earth dry." He looked down and blinked at the glowing orange crystal on his brother's belt. "What's up with that thing?"

"From what I've gathered, it's the earth crystal, and the vampire must be blocking the alter where it belongs." Adam looked up at the crystal and frowned. Dragon's Tooth Magiks Shoppe. His frown grew wider and he looked at his brother. "Who found this dump?"

"I did," Kira snapped. From behind her dark blue cloak and dark yellow hat he could see her light blue eyes glow in the shadows. "You have a problem with is, sword boy?"

Adam sighed and rolled his eyes. "All right, I still think we should have gone to a more reliable store, like that one over there," he pointed to another Mana store, far to the south of this one, "but let's see what this one has."

They entered the store and Adam immediately knew he was going to regret it. Usually there was either a black mage or a white mage standing behind the counter, but here, there was a short man with greased back black hair. He wore a purple coat and a small golden medallion. He looked up and smiled. All most too willingly for Adam's taste, it made his flesh crawl.

"Welcome friends," he yelled, throwing his arms in the air. "Welcome to the best damn store in all of Melmond." He nodded and began pulling out his wares for them to see. "The name's Sid just opened up here not that long ago."

"This is a magic shop, yes?" Adam said, walking up to the counter. He had no time to mess around. He knew that they needed the magic, and needed time to train, in using it, to grow stronger before taking on the vampire.

Sid looked up and looked blankly at Adam. For a moment it seemed as though he were agitated by the question, but then he smiled and nodded his head towards the door. "That's what it says on the door, ain't it?"

"We need protectorate spells, as well as anything holy in nature," Hyne said, walking up to her brother in law. She smiled at the merchant her brown eyes and blonde hair both shining. Unlike Kira, Hyne wore a white hood, revealing her lovely peaceful face.

"We also need some black magic, fire spells, if you have any," Kira said, her voice cold and steely.

Sid frowned as he looked at the two women and blinked. "I'm sorry?"

"They said that we need some spells," Adam said. "Do you have any such spells or not?"

Sid frowned some more and bent over a counter. He seemed to be there for a long time until he stood back up, holding a strange looking staff; "We have a nice staff here, supposed to be given the powers of the flames. I can let you have it for say, one thousand silver pieces."

"One thousand silver pieces?" Adam wailed, "What the hell, no one uses silver anymore, we use gil. And we didn't ask for a magical weapon, we asked for spells."

"All right, then," Sid sighed. "I'll let you have it for have it for two hundred silver pieces."

James frowned and stepped forward, "We want spells, Mana scrolls; not magical items." He closed his eyes and shook his head. "We don't even carry silver, as my brother said, we only have gil."

Sid bit his lips and stroked a whiskered chin. "Well, we do have some other things," he said under his breath. He quickly turned and stared at his bookshelf. Finally he smiled and pulled down a cat doll. It was black, with a red tuff of hair on the top of its head. Around its neck it wore a red bow tie and its stomach was snow white. Sid smiled and nodded approvingly.

Adam blinked for a second, feeling his jaw drop to the ground. "What the holy fuck is that monstrosity?" he growled under his breath.

"A Cait Sith doll," Sid answered, blinking at his customer. "It brings strong doses of bad luck to those who hold it. I can let you have it for fifty gold coins."

"Why the hell would we," Adam began, his emotions starting to get the better of him. "We don't even have any damn," he closed his eyes and swore the worst words he could under his breath.

James pounded his fist on the counter, making Sid drop the doll. "We don't want any staffs, we don't want dolls that put hexes on us, and we don't carry either gold or silver. We want Mana scrolls, now let us have some. We are willing to pay a large amount of _gil_ for any Mana scrolls you might possess. Just let us have the damn scrolls."

Sid swallowed slowly and looked at the angry monk. "I could let you have the eye of a newt for twenty gold pieces," he said under his breath.

"Do I _look_ like a witch," Kira roared, stomping a foot. "I'm a damn black mage." She pointed to Hyne and narrowed her eyes. "She's a white mage, neither of us have any use for eyes of frickin' newts." She gritted her teeth and pulled closer to the merchant, "We want Mana scrolls. Mana scrolls, M-A-N-A. Now just let us see them."

Sid frowned further still and then smiled, "Oh, I understand now," he winked and went into the back of his store. When he returned he was carrying a great number of magazines, each with a somewhat indecently dressed young women on the covers. "These are the only ones we have left, you're quite lucky."

Adam began pounding his head into the counter, nearly knocking himself out. "We don't want porn magazines, we want Mana scrolls," he roared.

Sid once again frowned, "But there are a great number of articles in the magazines dealing with Mana scrolls."

"We don't want to read about them, we want to use them," James screamed at the top of his lungs.

Sid frowned and removed the magazines from the counter. "I'm sorry sir, but you must be a practicing mage to use Mana."

The party felt their eyes widen and their jaws drop. "Are you insane," Adam roared. "We have two mages standing right here."

"I'm afraid that dressing up like a mage, doesn't make you one, sir."

"I'm not a damn mage, I'm a fighter, can't you tell the difference between a fighter's uniform and a mage's uniform?" Adam roared.

"And you want what of me sir?" Sid narrowed his eyes and frowned.

Adam had heard enough, he turned and began walking for the door. He stopped as Sid leapt over the counter and grabbed his shoulder. "Welcome sir, is there anything the matter?"

Adam felt his jaw drop for the umpteenth time in ten minutes. _Welcome?_ "Did you're mother drop you on your head by any chance?"

Sid frowned and took a step back. "I'm sorry? My mother died twenty years ago."

James groaned and slapped his face with his palm. _Probably from embarrassment. _"Look, will you please show us your Mana scrolls now?"

Sid turned on his heels and scowled, "I'm sorry sir, but I'm with another customer at the moment. Besides, you're a monk, not a mage. You can't use Mana scrolls that well."

Hyne sighed and stepped up to the merchant. _Nothing wrong with trying one last time._ "Could we please see your Mana scrolls?"

Sid turned to face her and smiled. "I'm sorry ma'am, but I'm afraid I can't," he said pleasantly.

"But why not?" she asked.

"We don't sell Mana scrolls, just magical items," he said, just as pleasantly.

All around him was a collective groan of exhaustion. Sid looked at the small group of heroes and smiled, his face confused and a little excited about have customers. For some reason people walked in and always walked right back out. Perhaps it was because of what was happening to the town of Melmond.

"You could have said that before you idgit," James groaned. He looked at his companions and they nodded. "Thank you, but we're not in the market for magical items." They turned and left through the door, each one swearing as they past through its arches.

"Thank you, and come again," Sid said, smiling brightly. As the door closed he frowned and scratched his head. Now why had there been such a draft just a moment ago?

FIN

Author's notes; Okay, this was fun. A bit short, but I enjoyed writing it. I really liked having two female heroes. To my knowledge mine is the first Final Fantasy 1 story that has a female black mage. If I'm wrong, please e-mail me and let me know. I also enjoyed writing in Sid. After all, 1 was the only game that a Sid/Cid was not in the game story, so I figured what the hell. As to the question, is he retarded, dropped on his mother's head, or have a short term memory? Hell no, just as James put it, Sid's just an idget. Just to show you how stupid he is, while his momma did drop him on his head, a number of times, she has yet to expire. He found a headstone with the words here lies Big Momma, and thought it was his momma. Adam is based on myself more or less, as James is based on my real brother, and Hyne based on his wife. Kira is based on Raven from Teen Titans, and no I don't have a crush on her, I just liked her attitude and thought it would make a good 'tude for a black mage to have. Thanks for reading.

NEVER TAKE DIRECTIONS FROM A DIMWIT

By

Vanguard Ziggy

Author's notes: This is my second Final Fantasy One story, and is a kind of sequel of sorts from my first one (sure do love my sequels, don't I ). It's not a complete sequel, as there are more heroes in the story than the first; I've decided to use all six classes, even though the thief and the Red mage are not crystal holders themselves. There is also a summoner in the story, not part of the group yet, even though you could not summon until later in the series. Anyway it should be just as funny as the first, and I hope that you enjoy it.

Adam looked around the peace full town of Crescent Lake and sighed. The crystal around his neck was dull and white, had been for the last three months, after he and his family and Kira had managed to defeat both the vampire, and his master, the Earth Demon Lich. That been a hard battle, if they hadn't had white magic, both he and his brother might be dead and rotting right now.

"Nice little town," said a soft feminine voice came from behind him. The fighter instinctively placed his hands on his hip, to guard his purse and sighed.

"What do you want now, Rikku?" He turned and faced the young brunette woman, her hair tied up in a light green bandana, the same color as her clothes. In her two hands she wielded two very sharp mithril knives, both of which could easily slice through a wall with enough talent. Ever since meeting up with Adam and his group, Rikku had proven more than once that she had enough talent.

"Hey, I was just trying to make conversation with you," she snarled, standing back as if she were an innocent little angel. She was definitely more feminine than Kira, that was true, but not by that much. When she wasn't taking other people's stuff, and spending it or selling it, she was just as much relaxed getting into a belching contest with anyone in a pub she could find.

"Rikku could find a pub, in the deepest reaches of the largest cathedral there is," her friend, and traveling companion Fakhir once told James. Adam had no doubt about that. While he liked the dark skinned Red Mage, he also had no doubt that Rikku had asked to travel with his group for the sole reason of the elemental crystals he and the others had around their necks. Kira agreed with him on that, one of the few things that the black mage agreed with him on anything. Then again, Kira didn't trust horses either.

"You know where the others are?" he asked. The thief shook her head and sighed.

"All we know is that your sister-in-law's crystal is the one of the element of fire, and probably it's alter is near some kind of volcano."

"Gurgu Volcano," James said, walking up to the two of them. His brother had gotten stronger since the four of them had begun their trip five months ago. Then again so had he. Both brothers' muscles were beginning to grow, and get tighter as the weeks passed. James almost looked like he was ready to burst out of his suit.

"Going to have to get you new clothes, bro," Adam teased, elbowing him in his sides. James smirked and playfully punched his brother in the stomach, shaking off the pain in his fingers, as they hit metal. Despite his pain, he cackled as he watched Adam double over in shock.

"One could say the same thing about your armor, little one," he teased.

"Will the two of you stop it, please," Hyne sighed, walking up along with Kira, Fakhir, and a young woman wearing a light red dress and a trinity style black symbol on her sleeve. Her hair was milk chocolate brown, with streaks of red through her strands. She wore a small red cap, with the brim facing upward. James recognized her class immediately.

"A summoner," he said in a dead pan tone.

"A what now?" Adam asked, staring at the newcomer.

"A mystic who can ask certain spirits for aide in battle," Kira answered for James. "Her name is Aiko, and you can stop staring anytime, or you'll end up drooling."

Adam shot back and blinked at the two women, the summoner hiding a giggle behind her hand. The fighter blinked and shook his head. "So, is she coming along now too?"

"We could use her help," James said, noting again her colors. Red clothes, where most basic Summoners used the color green. That meant this Aiko was a master summoner, or an intermediate one in the very least.

"Not permanently as far as we know," Hyne said. "She wants to help us rid Gurgu Volcano from the clutches of the fire Demon, Kary."

"So where is the damn volcano," Adam snapped.

"I found a place, the man there say's he can tell us for a price," Fakhir said. He tipped his red feathered cap, and clutched his sword Airell, tightly. Like Adam, he was a fine swordsman, like the girls he was an expert in most Magiks.

"Well then, let's go," James said. The group turned and walked in the direction Fakhir had motioned.

As soon as they had walked through the door, there seemed to be eerie similarities from somewhere back in the original four's minds. Books were scattered from hither and yon, there was absolutely no one in the store, and the picture of a large green dragon adorned the wall right over the cash register. Most important, was a notice that said the owner of the store's services were one hundred diamonds.

Adam's suspicions grew to a paranoid reality when owner blew into the main part of the store, hitching his glasses to the top of his nose, and pulling up his pants, that were slipping down so far, it looked like he was a plumber instead of a seller of maps.

He looked up at them and smiled, absent mindedly. "Hello," he said, in a very cockney like accent. He had strawberry blonde curls, and a stupid little hat that made him look like he was an elevator operator. "Welcome to me store, I'm Mid the fourth. The owner of this fine establishment, that I am. How can I help ye?" He smiled and walked over to Kira, eyeballing her from top to bottom.

"We need some help finding our way to Gurgu Volcano," James said, pushing himself between the two.

"An' ye might be?" Mid the fourth asked, narrowing his eyes as he stared at the other man.

"We're travelers, looking for certain sites," Adam said. He didn't trust this man, something about him seemed off. If he knew about the crystals, he might try to exploit them.

"It'll cost ye, a lot of money, that it will," the owner said with a grunt. He turned his attention to Aiko and grinned wider. "How are ye, pretty lass?"

Aiko shifted her weight and narrowed her own eyes. "My feet are find, as are the rest of me," she snapped. For the corner of her mind, she could hear a voice.

_You want me to send a bolt of lightning his way, mistress? _Indra was old, and feisty. He considered the young girl like a granddaughter, and was her closest friend of the summons she had.

_Let's try to avoid making a scene, grandpa. _She heard him chuckle and acknowledge her request.

Mid, turned down by a second woman, turned to his maps and sighed. "Well, there are lots of pretty places to visit, have you seen Coral Valley, I hear that's pretty peaceful."

Adam frowned and looked at the map. "That's not even our world," he snapped. "Why are you reading for a made up map?"

"Melmond was a nice place too, until some kind of curse destroyed it," Mid murmured, flipping through his paperwork. "Used to be all nice and green, now the place is browner than shit."

"We're asking about the volcano, sir," Hyne sighed. What was it about this situation that seemed familiar?

"We've been there," Kira said, her agitation growing. "Do you know where the volcano is or not?"

"Oh, you lot don't want to go there," Mid said, gasping for air. The fighter and monk looked at each other, realizing that he finally understood the danger of the place. "It's so cold, and none of you are really dressed for it." He looked at Rikku and gave her a near toothless grin.

"Oh grossness," she whined, backing up further toward the door. She _had_ planned to slip something out of this store, before they left, but now it seemed pointless.

Mid, being turned down by yet another woman turned to his maps and nodded his head. "Yep, much to cold there, I reckon ye should travel to Northwest Castle, I here its nice this time of year, and besides, their princesses are so hot, ye'd forget all about going to some silly ice cave. Especially Sara. Though that dancer Arylon is hot too," he leaned back and grinned.

James peered over and looked at where Mid had been staring. "Oh, for God's sakes," the monk roared. "We don't want to go to the damn Ice caves; we want to go to the Gurgu Volcano. How can you not tell the difference between hot and cold places?"

"Northwest Castle was the home of the dark elf Astos, who by the way is dead now, you were thinking of Coneria, and I suggest you get your head out of your pants and start helping us, before we walk out," Adam roared.

"Oh, sorry about that, mate, I didn't hear you walk it," Mid the fourth said, blinking wildly at the warrior. "Can I help you?"

"What the fuck!" Hyne and Fakhir said at the same time. James looked over and stared at his wife, who hardly ever said anything worse than damn.

"Are you insane? Or like, did you get dropped on your head?" Rikku demanded. She turned and looked at Adam, who gasped at what she had just said.

"You don't happen to be related to a certain Sid of Melmond, do you?"

"Aye, he'd be my cousin on his mother's side," Mid said with sorrow in his voice. "Poor ole boy, he never really was right in the head." He blinked, looked up and smiled at the women.

"Welcome to Mid's Publishing Industries of Beautiful Women, I trust you've come to pose for some paintings," he looked over and licked his lips at Rikku again. "Our readers have been dying to see a cute little thief in one of our special bikinis for a long time."

Her skin turned a yellowish pale green and she felt her stomach turn summersaults, "Oh double grossness," she shouted.

"A man's magazine? What is the meaning of this?" Fakhir asked, raising an eyebrow.

Mid pounded his fist into the table and nodded. "Damn right, man, while I like women's bodies too, those risqué magazines are disgusting, especially the ones where they have to wear them skimpy swim suits. My cousin Sid reads them all the time, says he just reads 'em for the articles on mana scrolls, but that's a damn lie." He looked down and sighed. "Poor ole boy, he never really was right in the head. That's why I founded the Agency of Family Decency, would you like to donate some money for its worthy cause?"

"I'll tell you what I'd like to donate to his damn cause," Adam said, secretly giving the other man the finger. He grabbed the merchant and glared into his eyes. "Do you know how we can get to Gurgu Volcano, or not?" he jammed his finger into the maps and hissed a little.

"Sorry lad, but I just like reading them, and drawing them, I don't know anything about them at all," Mid said, with a nervous laugh. Adam groaned and dropped the other man with a roll of his eyes.

"Sorry, he's a little upset right now," Hyne said, pushing her brother-in-law out the door.

"Who the hell wouldn't be?" Kira snapped, slipping her yellow hat over her head. Besides her, Rikku and Aiko nodded. The three of them walked out of the door, followed by James.

Fakhir stared at Mid just a little longer and sighed with a little bit of agitation. "I don't believe it." _How someone could be this completely stupid or nuts and still be allowed to go into the streets?_

"That's all right," Mid answered with a strange fake accent, "You made a good confession my son, and God forgives you, you're sins." He made the sign of the cross with his hand in the air, and waved the other man out. He wondered how someone who had made such a heart wrenching confession like that still be so angry, especially in a church as beautiful as this!

He bowed his head and heard the door close, looking up cheerfully. "Welcome to Mid's wonderful store of groceries, how can I?" he stopped and looked around. For a moment he blinked and shrugged. "Oh, well, I guess I'll just go back to my lunch." Folding up the maps in his hands, he opened his mouth wide, and took a big bite.

FIN

Author's notes: Well, this one was not any funnier than the first, but I do believe it was _as_ funny as the last one. It looks like madness and or stupidity run in Sid and Mid's family. Or maybe its just them. I also hope you liked the few bits of other Final Fantasy series I threw in for fun (7 mainly). The four main characters, the crystal warriors are still based on the people or comic book character as they were in the first. Fakhir was based on Nick Canon, and Rikku was based on Amanda Bynes. Aiko was based on Japan's premier Cosplay Mistress, Jan Kurotaki, and of course the trinity symbol on her dress was based on the Final Fantasy X-2 symbol that Yuna wears on her dress. Well, see you later.


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